The good, the bad and the beautifulBy Malcolm X Abram
This is what you would have heard if you had been sitting in the room watching the Grammys with music writer Malcolm X Abram.
8 p.m. Once again the Grammys take a cue from the American Music Awards (though they surely would never admit it) and reduce the number of awards handed out on TV to around 10 so they can load the telecast with 26 live performances.
Consequently, they handed out a bunch of awards beforehand and by the time this little shindig gets going, interested viewers will likely know that the Mariah Carey lovefest is in full swing as she has already won three awards. Ohio boy John Legend has also taken one already (best R&B album award for Get Lifted.) as well as Kanye West for Diamonds from Sierra Leone and Gold Digger and those lame-ass Black Eyed Peas, too. To ensure a whiz-bang start we get the Blur leader Damon Alburn's cartoon band Gorillaz performing their nominated song Feel Good Inc. with De La Soul (nice to see the Plugs on television).
Here comes Madonna!
Holy Crap! Are those her real thighs? Let's hear it for clean living, millions of dollars in discretionary income and the Kabbalah.
That was reasonably entertaining.
Hey! Kelly Clarkson beat Mariah. That is one slick, annoyingly catchy single the AI winner has unleashed on the world. It's nice to see someone truly moved by winning a Grammy.
She forgot to thank God.
Coldplay's Chris Martin sounds suspiciously like Bono on a bad night but at least he dressed up, showered and shaved for the occasion. Is the narrator going to remind us how super special and cool this all is all night?
The brief explanations of their songs given by the artists before they perform is a nice touch. John Legend singing Ordinary People with a light Latin groove and some ethereal strings is kinda sexy.
Wow, they are screwing up Sugarland with technical glitches. Many years ago, I used to live in Atlanta and I recall seeing Sugarland singer Jennifer Nettles with her other band Soul Miner's Daughter (and minus the twang she now sports quite proudly) and solo in bars and clubs all over the area. It's nice to see someone who's paid their dues get some ...uh ... due.
8:35 p.m. Wow! I didn't think Allison Krauss had a chance against Faith Hill and Gretchen Wilson. I smell a Paul McCartney upset coming.
Aahh, Bono, always good for a quip, calling U2 not a rock band but "the loudest Folk Band in the world," before ripping into Vertigo. Hmmm, Bono sounds suspiciously like Chris Martin on a bad night.
Just kidding. U2 gets two songs? They must be famous. This duet version of One with Mary J. Blige sounds a little better rehearsed than the version they performed on the Katrina Hurricane Relief telethon. Whoa! There she goes, ripping the melody right off that sucker, again. If U2 gets two, I'm wagering McCartney may check in with a new tune and an old classic. We'll see.
Well, at least we won't have to hear Kanye grousing about being disrespected. Well, we probably will, he'll find something to moan about. You know, for a guy who is supposedly overflowing with self-confidence, he sure requires, nay demands an awful lot of outside validation.
I'm looking at the official list of nominees/winners and I see that Springsteen's "Devils & Dust" beat Eric Clapton, Robert Plant (?!?), Neil Young and Rob Thomas for best rock solo performance. Hmm, one of these things is not like the others. Let's see, four boomer icons versus Matchbox 20 frontman Rob Thomas? Ol' Robby never had a chance at this one. Speaking of one of these things not being like the others, what the hell is Robert Plant doing nominated for best hard rock song alongside Audioslave, Nine Inch Nails, Queens of the Stone Age and winner System of a Down?
Wait here's another one: Aretha Franklin, Mariah Carey, Fantasia and John Legend competing for Best Traditional R&B Vocal Performance. The Queen won for A House Is Not a Home. I'm OK with that; it does say "traditional," and she is certainly a bedrock of the tradition.
8:58 p.m. Kelly Clarkson is wearing an ugly dress. Oh, and I think she's singing too.
9:01 p.m. Best Rock Album - What?! U2 won?! I, I, can't believe it! I'm so shocked and surprised!
Next.
Hey one of Mariah's wins is for Best R&B song. Here are the people credited with writing We Belong Together -- J. Austin, M. Carey, J. Dupri & M. Seal, D. Bristol, K. Edmonds, S. Johnson, P. Moten, S. Sully & B. Womack. Isn't that the starting lineup of the Washington Wizards?
Hey, there's Macca. Yep, it's a new song, Fine Line from Chaos & Creation In The Backyard.
I believe McCartney has in Abe Laboriel, Jr., the largest drummer in rock and roll.
Yep. He got two songs and the second is Helter Skelter, a Beatles classic.
"I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGUHS!!!"
Sorry, someone had to say it.
My editor just informed me that there is one person wearing an outfit with a lower neckline than the revealing number worn by Alicia Keys. And the winner is Kanye West.
I dislike the Black Eyed Peas. Did that weird dancing guy just say something about being the "Mexican" of the group? Did Fergie have her eyebrows done by Dr. Frank N. Furter?
John Legend just won Best R&B album and got the get-off music during his speech. That's the first time tonight.
9:28 p.m. Here comes Mariah! Wow, how much did she pay for those poisonous mounds of goo sitting where her breasts used to be?
For a second I let myself believe we'd get through this thing without the appearance of a gospel choir. Silly me.
Dear Teri Hatcher, you're 40-plus years old and I think someone should let you know that it's OK to dress like a grownup and not a twentysomething ingénue with raccoon eyes.
Kelly Clarkson is having a really good night, having just won pop vocal, and her unbridled ebullience and genuine appreciation is nice to see. Anyone else notice that she hasn't thanked "American Idol" yet?
This has nothing to do with the show or even music but I just saw a feminine product commercial that ends with the slogan "have a happy period." I've never had a period (obviously) but I've never, ever, ever heard any woman describe her menses has "happy," and I don't think there's a product that doesn't contain medication that could make it "happy."
OK, back to music.
Keith Urban and Faith Hill's performances were quite good.
9:50 p.m. I must admit that I do feel a sense of suspense at the possibility of Sly Stone actually leaving his house and showing up for his tribute. I'm guessing he won't (it's coming up soon) but the mere possibility makes it the least predictable event of the evening.
Van Hunt, Joss Stone and John Legend. Young-uns showing respect to their elders.
Joss Stone is perfecting the Waving Hand of Soul Technique as written by Mariah Carey.
There's Nile Rogers, Robert Randolph and Randy Jackson, whom Kelly Clarkson also hasn't thanked.
Fantasia and Devin Lima are an interesting pair.
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Hell Yeah! Well, you can't say Sly doesn't have style. With that Mohawk, shiny coat and pants and platform shoes, he looks like the black cousin of Aqua Teen Hunger Force's Dr. Weird.
Well, it's good to see Sly and some of the original band members (is that drummer Greg Errico?) get a much deserved moment in the spotlight. Sly and the Family Stone still haven't gotten the Box Set/Deluxe Edition treatment by Epic and whoever owns the music. I've heard it's Michael Jackson, but I've never seen it in print, so I may just be spreading rumors.
Whatever the reason, it's a shame.
As a matter of fact, if you've never heard Sly and The Family outside of a Burger King commercial or just a few minutes ago, get thee to a record store as soon as possible (preferably your nearest mom & pop shop) and buy Stand and There's A Riot Goin' On. It's great music that both speaks to and transcends its era, a bedrock of FUNK. Uncut Funk. The Bomb.
Holy crap, Paul McCartney is singing with Linkin Park and Jay-Z. OK, Grammys, that's a good one. Ha! You know Paul has absolutely no idea who the hell he is standing next to him on stage. He's looking at Jay and Linkin Park Guy as if he's trying to discern whether they are they are about to load his luggage into the limo or rob him.
A multigenerational mashup indeed.
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