My thoughts and words
Aug 30, 2013 11:13:17 GMT -5
Post by Devil Marlena Nylund on Aug 30, 2013 11:13:17 GMT -5
This is my response to all of the comments and attention being directed my way for the past week. It's going to be long and I'm probably going to ramble on so if it's a TL:RD for you, I'm letting you know in advance.
I've been a Pulse member since the beginning and an R&R message board member before that. I've watched both boards evolve, people come and go, dramas and scandals, anything that has happened, I've been around for. Despite that, I've always made the claim that my reasoning for being here was for the music discussion and news, chart facts and stats, etc.
In the Pulse Summit forum, one of the threads was Defining Pulse - what does Pulse mean to us. My answer included Music Discussions, Chart Discussions, General News/Perspective, Opinions on those things, and Social.
In my time here, I never really considered the "social" aspect to be one of the main reasons why I come here. I have friends in real life and I don't necessarily feel a void that I need to fill while on the boards.
Yet several years ago I realized that despite my time here, I didn't really know any of the regular posters anymore and had no idea what was going on and therefore felt left out. So I made an attempt to try to get to know people again - and it was difficult. I don't know if it was because being a longtime member meant that I fit into the woodwork and therefore nobody was interested or maybe it was because I was no longer "speaking the language". So in an effort to try to "fit in", I went there.
My mistake.
Another thread in the Pulse Summit was asking about the status-quo of Pulse. While several people thought the thread lacked any purpose, I believed it was a legitimate question to ask because it helped to narrow in on why some people had issues with the board as a whole. The "status quo" of Pulse is much different than it was before. Naturally things change but the general language and tone here has gone in a completely different direction that doesn't suit a lot of people who come here for the music discussions.
I think a lot of that came from a lack of proper moderation from the staff, and yes, that does include me. The type of posting that some people consider fun, others consider offensive. In the past, we would always dissuade it but over time, we gradually and unintentionally allowed the envelope to be pushed more and more. Several times in the Summit, it was mentioned how some longtime posters changed up their posting styles to suit this. I know I was one of them.
Unfortunately for me, I did it while still having the "administrator" title. I did often perceive that role as being like a hat. I had my "administrator hat" and my "regular member hat" and I did occasionally reference that on the board. My "regular member hat" was when I posted in a thread as part of the ongoing discussions and I didn't want to be an intimidating presence because while I was an administrator, I didn't want people to place me on a pedestal.
I always understood there to be a certain level of responsibility and professionalism with the roles of administrator and moderator. It was something I took seriously. But over time, I felt that that had eroded to such an extent because of what I perceived the "status quo" to be. People were insulting other people, being demeaning, belittling, rude or abrasive. To me, if I wanted to be respected, it was no longer about the idea of professionalism I had. Only a couple forums on Pulse had that respect and professionalism and those weren't ones I visited. To me, it became an "if you can't beat em, join em" type of scenario. Once again, I wanted to "fit in".
My mistake again.
I didn't realize how many people had problems with me until this week. Before this week, nobody mentioned anything to me, and I assume nobody said anything to staff unless they didn't mention anything to me either. Nobody PMed me. Nobody gossiped, and if they did, it didn't get back to me.
In my attempts to fit in, I realized that my enjoyment of Pulse had increased when I learned to lighten up and finally understand and get the "jokes" and "sarcasm" that people displayed. I no longer saw those posts as being offensive and while they weren't professional or suitable for a public environment, it seemed that everybody was fine with them and therefore I began to be okay with them and attempted to join in. It had become what I perceived as the "status quo". It was what became "normal" here.
While many people have said this week that I'm on a pedestal and therefore have that responsibility as an admin, I never considered myself being "above" people. I don't turn my nose up at people. And that was why I felt it was okay to join in on the "fun". So while I mentioned earlier about how I viewed the "status quo" as having reached a point of being demeaning and rude, I finally understood that it wasn't intended that way. I felt if everybody was okay with it, then it's fine. Had I known something was up, I definitely would have changed my behaviour accordingly or mentioned it to the other staff.
So when I emailed jback telling him I loved his posts, I meant it in the sense that I thought he was being clever in his delivery and despite our history, I was understanding his posts and where he was coming from. I considered it to be a figurative, digital handshake.
HOWEVER, there is a line in the PM that I think people are misunderstanding. "Trolling is still giving attention." was NOT directed at him. I was referring to the fact that the Applause thread was getting more attention and more posts than the Roar thread and a lot of that was from people insisting it was flopping - ie. trolling. If you look at the line directly preceding that one, it reads: "People can't resist to talk about her and her song."
So if you put them together: "People can't resist to talk about her and her song. Trolling is still giving attention."
In that PM, I was acknowledging that I believed jback to be "playing both sides of the coin" in the respect that he wasn't picking one song/thread over the other. He was playing both threads. I thought he was being clever. It was other people who were replying to the thread, giving it attention and thus proving that whether it's a hit or not, people will still talk about her.
As for why I supported his suspension, I felt that despite his cleverness, he did eventually cross a line that I thought was there. And that brings us to one of the points of the summit. Actually trying to define what "trolling" is. It seems clear most of the time.
On one hand, were the posts jback was making that I told him I liked trolling posts? If so, maybe he should have been reprimanded for them sooner than he was, as should have others. If not, how was he to know what that line was if *we* didn't know what it was?
So in reviewing that question, I now see that his suspension was unfair if only because (1)he didn't get it sooner and so many other people were let off, and of course, (2) my PM. By saying I liked his posts was giving him the idea that he wasn't close to what the boundaries were so he continued.
Going against what I said before, I will claim responsibility now. It was my fault that he had a sense of security.
Despite receiving probably the most rude and demeaning PM I've ever gotten from jback upon his return this morning, I do apologize and as a result would recommend staff to wipe clean his current standing of warnings/suspensions. While I still think the situation with LispingHibiscus was vile, he served a week suspension when it wasn't fair and as retribution should have his previous warnings cleared to make up for it.
I think because of the lack of consistent moderation where we (myself include) tend to go in cycles in how we run the board, it does give a false sense of what's acceptable and what isn't, and it isn't fair to warn someone for an action they do in August that we didn't warn them or someone else for in May when the rules are the same. If we're going to be strict, we need to be strict all the time. If we're going to be lenient, we can't pick and choose.
Going back to the problems people have had with my actions in the past, once again, until this week I was unaware of them. If I thought that I was abusing my power as an administrator, I wouldn't have drawn attention to it and made it a discussion point for the summit. But after jback's suspension, people finally displayed issues they had with me and it concerned me so I insisted on it being discussed.
I have always had the best intentions for this board during my time here, both on and off staff, and to be accused of abusing my power and have that accusation backed up by members and supported by other staff is probably the worst thing I feel I can face on this board. Therefore, I am voluntarily stepping down as a member of staff on Pulse.
My own personal self-evaluation was a decision I had been thinking about for the last week or so. I had been mostly absent from the staff forum for much of the last few months and it has been on and off for several years. Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn't been giving my input on any reportings or suspensions. Most of what I did as staff was the weekly sticky and unsticky of threads in CHR/Pop, moving threads, locking threats, honouring requests people had and occasionally bringing attention to staff if something came up that needed attention. So the work I'd been doing was pretty minimal most of the time anyway. Had we all evaluated our activity level as staff before this, I probably should have done this long ago.
Being a staff member on here and being respected is a very difficult thing. I admire both Cynthia and Dudley for what they do here and believe between the two of them, they are the definition of what makes a great moderator. Cynthia has the excellent social side to being a great moderator. She's well liked and can speak the language when something needs to be done. Dudley has the excellent rules side. She's not as well liked but she always sticks to her guns and she's always on top of what needs to be done and does it so very organized with every "t" crossed and every "i" dotted. I understand why she's considered unpopular but I do believe people have been very unfair to her.
I'm sure my stepping down will be seen as a personal victory to some. For the first time in years, I'm no longer placed on this pedestal people put me on yet don't think of being an administrator as having some sort of "power". It's not power because power implies a personal gain and I don't think I've gained anything being on staff. It's responsibility. It's a title that people only care about at opportune times. It's a target when you're being too hard-ass or being too lax. It means being consistent with any and all decisions without being biased. I won't say it was difficult because I was pretty lazy but it was nice to know that I was able to contribute to helping make/keep this board as great as it has been.
I doubt I'll leave the board for good anytime soon. It will be nice to know I can join in on discussions without feeling like my presence as an administrator is somehow threatening or that I might say the wrong thing as someone who is supposed to be professional. I still look forward to chatting and socializing with people and getting out of Pulse the things I listed at the top of this post. With that said, thanks to the Summit I have a better idea of what constitutes trolling and personal attacks and while I expect to receive additional hateful messages in my inbox, at the very least keep your negative opinions of me off the boards.
Thank you to the other staff members who have been great to work with. I apologize for letting everyone down.
I don't want to live for the applause anymore but if I ever get it again, you're gonna hear me roar!
Lovingly,
The Max
